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Executive Times |
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2005 Book Reviews |
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Men Fake
Foreplay and Other Lies That Are True by Mike Dugan |
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Rating:
• (Read only if your interest is strong) |
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Click on
title or picture to buy from amazon.com |
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Chuckles Mike Dugan’s comedy routine
has come to print in his new book, Men Fake
Foreplay and Other Lies That Are True. Anyone who has seen Mike’s live
performances will find the book lacking his enthusiasm, and readers who’ve
never seen him may chuckle, but not quite laugh out loud. Here’s an excerpt,
all of Chapter 4, “Commitment,” pp. 33-40: You are
“pronounced” married. There are only two times in your life when you get “pronounced.” You get pronounced married and you get pronounced dead. Somewhere there’s a cynic saying, “What’s the difference?” My friend Jerry just got engaged. He
bought his fiancée that diamond ring because that’s what men do when they
propose. I thought I’d mess with him. I asked, “Why’d you buy her a diamond?” “Well, you know, it’s a tradition.” “Any idea how that tradition got
started?” “Absolutely no idea.” I know how that tradition got started: One man bought a
woman a diamond and she told her friends. It’s just that simple. The next day this guy’s friends are
banging on his door. “Nice going, pal. Now we all gotta do that. Engagement ring, you say? How
clever. ‘Engagement boat’ ever enter your mind?
‘Engagement motorcycle’? ‘Engagement season football tickets’ would be a nice
tradition.” When you think about it, whoever came
up with the idea of combining diamonds and marriage must have been pretty
smart. What better to symbolize marriage than the hardest thing known to
mankind? For
one human being to love another: That is perhaps the most difficult of our
tasks; the ultimate, the last
test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation. —RAINER MARIA RILKE When I was a teenager, I
played pool on weekends with a 75-year-old man named Christopher Ryan. Chris
was a gentleman. Old-school. A “dandy.” He carried himself with a quiet
dignity and class. On his left hand he wore a white cotton glove so his ebony
cue stick could slide smoothly through his shots. He had won that stick in a
tournament 50 years earlier. That was one of the few things I knew about his
life. He never talked much about himself. But I knew he loved his
wife. I only met Mrs. Ryan once, after a big snowfall when I showed up at their
house and, in a showy gesture of kindness, insisted they let me shovel their
driveway for free. Afterward, she invited me in for hot cocoa. This was I was struck by the air of
tenderness and gentility between the two of them. There are some elderly
couples who, after 50 or 60 years, just give up fighting each other. They
learn how to get along. It’s a benign tolerance. But this was different. This
man clearly admired this woman. This was a love that had endured and grown. I
was 17 and completely self-absorbed, but when you see true love, you know
it. The only other time I went
to the Ryans’ home was about a year later. Chris
had stopped showing up at the pool hall. I went to his house and found out
Mrs. Ryan had died a few weeks earlier. He invited me in but had nothing to
say. He looked like a man who had walked into a room and forgotten why. Our
visit was awkward and uncomfortable. He set himself to explain, but no words
came and he shook his head and I could tell he knew the words would never
come. A few months later he was
in a convalescent home, withering away. With my whole life ahead of me, I
was naïvely optimistic and trying to cheer him up. He fixed on my eyes and
said quietly, “I have no reason.” And suddenly I had perspective and I knew
he was right, and I said goodbye and let him be. I know there is a depth
and great value to loving one person with all your heart. I saw it with the Ryans, and I’ve seen it many times since. Cynics don’t
talk about it. But I know it’s possible. “Please Color within the Lines” Have you ever been in a relationship where you suddenly
realize, “This person would be having the exact same relationship whether I
was here or not?” They’ve got a script.
Sometimes they’ve spent their entire life planning how everything is going to
be when they find you. Whoever you are. And they’re going to be really
good at it. I knew a comedian from He was performing at a
club in A few months into the
marriage, she told him she didn’t like his traveling all the time, so he’d
have to stop doing stand-up and get a real job. So he quit stand-up and got a
day job. At least he’d still have the weekends for golf. A few months later, she
told him that since he was at work all week, weekends were really the only
time she got to see him, so he needed to stop playing golf. So he stopped
playing golf. Six months later, she left him. She said, “You’re not the
man I married.” When it comes to
relationships, you can theorize all you want, but you don’t really know until
you’re in it. We bite off more than we can chew, and then we chew really hard
and really fast. You can try to learn. You
can read the books. Which is another reason I think women
are better at relationships— because they have all those relationship books. There are approximately
four hundred thousand relationship books written for women, give or take a
hundred thousand. Guys have two books. And one of them is called How to
Pick Up Chicks. I haven’t read it, but I’m guessing that the author’s
reference to women as “chicks” sets the foundation for some progressive
insights. You could take the higher
road and read Iron John, the bible for the 1980s men’s drum-banging
bonding movement. Iron John always sounded to me more like something
you’d sit on to have a men’s movement. Don’t forget to bring along How
to Pick Up Chicks so you’ll have something to wipe your ass with. You know the women’s books
I’m talking about? Women Who Love Too
Much. Smart Women/Foolish Choices. Women Who Run with the Wolves. Women Are from Mars, Men Have a Penis. Have
you read that one? Obviously, it’s Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus written
by John Gray. Have you seen this guy on television? He’s the Omega Male. On
behalf of the people of Earth, I’d like to invite John Gray to stop by and do
a couple of pushups. Do you know who John Gray
was married to and is now long divorced from? Barbara De Angelis. Relationship
author. Relationship expert. Relationship guru. Do you see where this is
heading? Two of the premier
relationship gurus in What was the deal with
Nick Nolte giving himself a date-rape drug? On the news they said,
“Nick Nolte was pulled over. His car was weaving all over the road in Back to the matter at
hand. The problem I have with some of these books is that they supply yet one
more agenda for someone to take to a relationship. One more simplistic
blueprint into which you cannot cram all the infinite subtleties, nuances,
and possibilities of a vital relationship. Relationships are living,
breathing, and changing organisms. All the theory in the world doesn’t help
because theory of how it ought to be too often leads to expectations, and
it’s the expectations that mess it up. It’s your script and your agenda that
cause the troubles. Relationships are not paint by number. I can’t find happiness by
focusing on the differences between men and women. I need to focus on the
similarities and appreciate the differences. Anything else is selfish and
controlling. If I believe I am from Mars and you are from Venus, doesn’t that
rob you of the opportunity to show me a little something special about,
perhaps, Jupiter? “Saturn has nice rings,
but you’ll never see them; there is no room for you to participate outside of
the preconceived notion John Gray and I have planned for us. I’ll be disappointed
when you inevitably fail to meet my expectations. Welcome to your new role as
‘The Source of My Disappointment.’ Can I get you a drink? You’ll need it.” I can’t fault John Gray’s
overall message. Men need to listen to women more. I’m all for that. But
don’t feed it to me in a high chair. My friend Susan swears the
subliminal appeal of soap operas is that the men in soap operas actually
care what the women are talking about. Watch for it the next time. Every one
of these guys listens like it’s the most important thing he’s ever heard:
“Oh, honey, I can’t believe Erica and Blake broke up. Of all people. They
seemed so happy. You gotta let me know how this
works out.” My all-time favorite relationship book
has got to be Women Who Love Too Much. How self-congratulatory is that
title? “Hey, what seems to be your problem?” “I have too much love. Way too much love.
In fact, this much love carries with it a tremendous responsibility. Stewardship,
if you will. I have so much love to give that it gets me into trouble.” “Really? You mean it’s not like you
just keep choosing the same kind of jerk over and over again?” I was in a bookstore in This woman didn’t miss a beat. She
said, “I’m looking for a book called Men’s Feelings... . I think it’s in fiction.” Sometimes Dugan’s throwaway lines or
phrases can be the funniest. Men Fake
Foreplay attracts readers through a catchy title, but will disappoint
many who find it just doesn’t bring enough pleasure. Steve Hopkins,
August 25, 2005 |
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ã 2005 Hopkins and Company, LLC The recommendation rating for
this book appeared in the September
2005 issue of Executive Times URL for this review: http://www.hopkinsandcompany.com/Books/Men
Fake Foreplay.htm For Reprint Permission,
Contact: Hopkins & Company, LLC • E-mail: books@hopkinsandcompany.com |
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